What makes me happy? Read on

I copied this from my friend Laura's blog. If you want to check hers out it's http://thepiattfamily.blogspot.com/

Three things that make me happy:
1. Being with the people I love. This one seems obvious and pretty much everyone would say this but it doesn't make it any less true.

I have to admit, Andrew pretty much tops this list. He is the one person that I am always 100% honest with and from whom I have no secrets. I'm not saying that I am not an honest person or that I have alot of secrets, but I find it impossible to keep even the littlest emotion or feeling that I have from him and the fact that he knows all my faults and my secrets and still loves me makes me extremely happy. The thought of marrying him and spending the rest of my life with him makes me insanely happy. It is pretty hard to hide this fact :0)


My bff Laura is most definetely on this list as well. All the memories and the inside jokes and stories that we tell which end in us with tears streaming down our faces and we can't breathe because we are laughing so hard. The fact that she also knows me extremely well and trusts me to give her advice and confides in me. The fact that we don't see each other very much and sometimes go a long time without talking but yet still remain close and when we do get together and talk it's as if we just saw each other yesterday. All of that makes me super happy :0)

My family is also on this list as well. My parents crack me up all the time and I do spend a lot of time with them since I am still living at home for the meantime. I love seeing how I am like each one of them and teasing and supporting each other. I love when my brothers come over and we all go out to lunch and sometimes go and see a movie. All holiday traditions, etc. That makes me really happy :0)
There are tons of other people that make this list, but it would take absolutely forever to go through all of them so I will stop at three, since this is a blog about three's :0)

2. Chick flicks. This won't come as a surprise to most people who know me. I am kind of the queen of chick flicks. I own tons of them and my collection keeps growing. My ideal nights on most nights would just to be to stay at home and have a chick flick marathon. When I was younger chick flicks were what made me look forward to the time when I would meet a guy who was just like the love interest in those movies and the happy feeling I get when watching those movies always seems to stay with me. Lots of my favorite memories from college was when I would get together with my girls and watch chick flicks and swoon for hours afterwards. Maybe this makes me pathetic because at a time when most girls my age were going out on dates and having the real thing, I was just stuck in the imaginary land of whatever movie I happened to be watching, but I was perfectly content with that. It never really bothered me.

3. This one was hard because there were about four of five things that came to mind and I had to sit and choose which one I would write about as my third thing. I decided to write about Summer because it encompasses alot of my favorite things. Summer is my favorite season for lots of reasons. First of all, working at an elementary school I get summer's off. This makes me extremely happy. I get to sleep in, not have a set schedule, stay up late, and pretty much do whatever I please. Obviously as I get older and have a family and such this will change but for right now, I am enjoying it immensely! Secondly, the weather. I love the warm weather and being able to go outside and not have to bundle up in several layers. It always seems to put me in a good mood when the sun is shining and the weather is warm. Thirdly, baseball season is in full swing during the summer. Baseball is my favorite sport to watch and during the summer being able to go to a game is amazing as well. Somehow it just isn't summer without baseball for me. Also, country music. Now obviously country music is played year long but I love the atmosphere of country music during the summer. Lots of concerts and upbeat songs on the radio.

Three places that make me happy:
1. North Carolina. Without a doubt one of my favorite places to go. Every summer for the past few years my family has rented a beach house in the Outer Banks for a week or two. This goes along with my love of summer because I love being able to sleep in, go to the beach all day and read romance novels, and just take my time and enjoy myself without anywhere to be. If I don't want to go to the beach that day, I can go shopping. If I don't want to go shopping, I can go see a movie, or go putt putt golfing, etc. Tons of stuff to do there and at night, my favorite part is playing board games with my family and going in the hot tub.

2. Camp. Another one of my favorite parts about summer. I love the feeling that I get when we drive onto the campground before another week of junior high camp. I love the feeling of anticipation as I think about who I am going to get put with and what kind of campers I will have. I have been a counselor at this particular camp for eleven years and was a camper for nine years before that so I know the place like the back of my hand. I feel completely comfortable there. Andrew even proposed to me there, so it will always have special meaning to me because of that. I have met some amazing people there as well that I would never have met otherwise and still keep in touch with today.

3. Church. I have been going to the same church since I was born. It is my second home. It is one of the few places where I can walk in and be completely at home and at ease. I see the same people I have seen for years who have become like family to me and who have known me since I was a baby and have watched me grow in the woman I am today. So many memories have taken place there, both humorous and serious. Sunday's have always been one of my favorite days of the week and the main reason for that is because I always look forward to and am excited about going to church and not only seeing my church family but also getting to hear God's word and become closer to Him.

Three movies that make me happy: (this was extremely hard to narrow down to three)
1. Ten Things I Hate About You. I don't really even know why I like this movie so much but it has been a favorite of mine for years. I love that it is based on The Taming of the Shrew by Shakespeare because I love Shakespeare. I love that it takes place in a high school because at the time I saw it, I was in high school so I could relate to alot of what was going on. It always makes me laugh no matter how many times I watch it and I can quote the whole movie from beginning to end.

2. Pride & Prejudice. As a huge Jane Austen fan, I of course love this movie. It is my favorite of her books (with Emma being a close second) and even though it has been made into a movie several times, my favorite version is the one with Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennett. It is just a classic love story and one that is so relatable no matter what stage of life you are in. I remember watching this movie and just saying "I can't wait until I can find someone who looks at me the way Mr. Darcy looks at Elizabeth" and even now that I have found that someone, I still get goosebumps sometimes when I see it.

3. Princess Diaries 2. Yes I know, it's a teenybopper movie but this fact does not make me love it any less. I was a huge fan of the first Princess Diaries so I was excited when this one came out in theaters. I was in college at the time, and a bunch of us went to go see it. I think the grand total amount of times I saw it in the theater was three times. I love Anne Hathaway. She is one of my favorite actresses and I adore the love story between her character, Princess Mia and Lord Nicholas. The scene where they fall asleep by the lake with their hands entwined made me swoon then and it still makes me swoon now. Lots of inside jokes come along with this movie too. I am not going to list them all now, but this is another one of those movies that I can quote the entire thing from beginning to end basically. The scene where Nicholas's uncle, Lord Deveroux says "POSTAGE STAMP! YOU WOULD LOOK LOVELY ON POSTAGE STAMP" makes me laugh the hardest out of any other line in a movie I think.

And that concludes my blog entry about three things, three places and three movies that make me happy. :0)

The Story of Us

Today I want to share my story with everyone. The story of Andrew and I. To the people who do read this (that I know of at least) I apologize for writing this entry because I know you know our story and might find it tiring hearing it again. I just find it important to write it out for my sake. Not that I am ever going to forget it, but someday it might be useful to look back on the beginning and sometimes small details are forgotten that need to be remembered every now and then. So here I go...



So how did we meet? For most people this is an easy question. For us, it is kind of tricky because it's hard to pinpoint an exact time in history when we didn't know each other. To have a "meeting point" commited to memory is something somewhat foreign to us. The easier question to answer is "how do we know each other?". That one I can answer easily. We know each other from church. His family joined and got involved in many of the ministries much like my family did. His dad taught my sunday school class, and we went to youth group together. His mom became the youth leader which naturally put us in close contact with each other. He was always kind of the younger brother I never had at this point. The summer after my senior year in high school the youth group went on a mission trip to West Virginia. I almost forgot about this but recently was looking back at some home videos of that trip and smiled remembering some of the inside jokes and how silly we used to be at that age. I was kind of preoccupied with my own thing back then and didn't think much of this but looking back, I love that we did that together.



So what changed to make our relationship go from platonic to romantic? This again is not an easy question to answer. I can't take one specific incident and point to it saying "that there is where it changed" but there are several things that happened to kind of bring us to that point. When I went away to college I didn't have much contact with him really except for when I was home. Then, when I graduated from college and moved back home with my parents his mom asked me to volunteer as one of the youth leaders. I accepted because I remember how much of an impact my youth leaders had on me growing up and the thought of being that for someone else was extremely appealing.

I would say that this is the first significant point where things started to change a little bit. It started out slowly but I started to realize some of the small things he did. For example, I am not the most athletic person in the world. In fact, I am kind of the opposite. I am clumsy and just don't take sports very seriously when I am playing them. Watching them is different, but playing them, I just like to have fun and laugh at myself when I trip or whatever. Andrew on the other hand is very competitive and takes it seriously. So one thing that always seemed to happen was he would be one of the captains that picked people to be on his team and I started to notice that he would always pick me to be on his team. I found this amusing because half the time I became the one to laugh at and mess things up, but he never seemed to mind it that much. Another small thing would be whenever there was a lot of people around, during church or during youth group, and I would walk into the room he would immediately call my name out to draw my attention. At the time I never put too much thought into these things I just knew that I felt special when he would treat me like that.

The next thing that comes to mind to help tip the scales even more in his direction was when I was asked to be in charge of Vacation Bible School at my church. Without getting into too much detail about this what ended up happening was that I was in need of someone to be in charge of the music- I had asked several people and nobody was willing to step up to the plate for me. I was starting to stress about it and one morning in church I was talking to him about my predicament and he offered to do it. I didn't even ask him, he just saw that I needed it filled and offered to help me out. I was so grateful to him and felt a huge sense of relief. Then, the day that VBS started I needed help in getting the church set up and ready and I sent an email out to the teachers asking if they would be willing to help. I got to the church and guess who the only one to show up to help me was? That's right.. Andrew had shown up and played a huge part in helping me relax and get everything done that needed to be before it began.

His graduation party was next. The other two were smaller things that helped me to see the kind of person he was and how I was beginning to admire alot about him, but this one is a major step in the right direction. My friend Laura was visiting for the weekend and so I brought her along to his graduation party. The two of them had never met before and besides saying hi and bye and a couple other things throughout the party there wasn't a whole lot of interaction between the two of us. There was a goodbye hug though. I will always remember this hug because he held on really tight and I was affected by it. I pretended to not be but it was probably one of the best hugs I remember. We left and went on with our day but Laura made a comment at one point that I will always remember. It was kind of random as we hadn't really been talking about anything related to this but she said "I want you to end up with someone who treats you like Andrew does." I was floored. I had been thinking that in my head but had never said anything to anyone about it, including her. The fact that she had only met him that day and had noticed what had taken me years to figure out in a matter of hours shocked me. It also kind of completely changed everything for me. I finally started vocalizing everything that had been going on in my head for those past months to her and realized I was past the point of trying to brush it off. There was a problem though. Several in fact as far as I was concerned. The major one to me at the time was the fact that there is an age difference. I had already graduated from college when he had just finished high school. I was afraid what people would think if they found out I liked him. Also, there was the fact that he was leaving for college in the fall and I wasn't going to see him as much. I didn't want to start anything just for him to leave and forget about me. Lastly, I didn't even know how he felt about me. I had been here in the past with guys and thinking they liked me because they acted like they did, only to find out that wasn't the case at all. These three reasons seemed pretty significant to me at the time and I made the decision to continue keeping everything to myself and to forget about whatever I may have been feeling.

About a year went by. He had dated a friend of mine for a little bit in this time, which bothered me more than I let on, but I made it a point to not interfere and to let things happen as they were supposed to happen. They broke up and while I felt bad because they were both good friends of mine, a part of me felt a sense of relief. Then summer rolled around and it was time for camp. I have been counseling at a Junior High camp with my brother for every summer since I was 16. I then got Andrew, and his sister involved in it as well. We get to orientation and the part where everyone looks forward to seeing which counselors they will be put with for the week was here. It turns out they put Andrew and I in the same group. (a group of girls and a group of guys are matched together and do everything together all week.. except they sleep in seperate cabins of course.) Normally they don't put people together who know each other coming into the week so I was pretty surprised that this happened. Here comes the next leap towards a relationship. It turns out that one of our co counselors gave us alot of trouble. I don't want to get into that whole thing but by Tuesday I had an emotional breakdown. I am not the type of person to cry in front of people but this time it couldn't be helped. Lots of people comforted me in this amount of time, but the one person that helped me the most was Andrew. He knew what I was going through firsthand because he was also experiencing the same frustrations as I was. Just being so exposed and having him comfort me was something that I will always remember. Basically at that point he saw me at one of my lowest points and didn't run away in fear or embarrasment. That brought us even closer. The rest of the week got better and quickly the campers and other counselors in our group knew that Andrew and I were good friends. We had an easy rapport with each other, teased each other and made a point to always be with each other. One day, on the bus on the way to the beach we sat next to each other (under some pretense of him saving me from sitting with a cling on) and fell asleep with our heads together. Later on that evening, one of the counselors in my group (not the one we were having issues with) said something to me about how alot of the campers thought Andrew and I were dating. I tried to play it off like "oh no we're just friends" but she saw through that. She said she was convinced that we should date, and the age difference didn't matter. She believed we were "very good" together. Throughout the rest of the week she kept pointing out little things he did or said that to her proved he liked me: he saved me the last Mountain Dew in the candy store, he stuck up for me with this problem counselor, etc. She found alot of small things throughout that week. She also had asked some of the other counselors that she was close with what they thought about the two of us dating. She then reported back to me that everyone was in agreement.. that he and I should date. It was alot of fun for me secretly but it also didn't make things any easier. At this point it started to get real to me and it started to get out of my control.

Jeez this is getting long, I will try to condense the rest as much as possible. The next year went by. We kept getting closer and closer. I had experienced some things that year and we had grown close enough after that week at camp that I felt comfortable confiding in him about the stuff I was going through. Our communication mostly consisted of facebook messages back and forth where I would write these long drawn out messages (imagine that!) and he would read through them all and tell me what he thought. He would make really sweet comments and his feedback was very insightful. He had been in a couple of relationships that year, and naturally I kept tabs on that secretly. Again I stayed out of it and let things happen. I do remember one time though he seemed pretty depressed so I asked him if he was alright. He then confided in me about one of the relationships and I got to repay the favor of listening and offering my advice. We continued to get closer and closer and at this point I considered him to be one of my best friends. More people started noticing what was going on with us to the point where I finally confided in some of them. Like I mentioned in my post yesterday, one of my friends, Lauren, made a comment about knowing who my soulmate was. Also around this same time he came home for the summer and he and I would hang out and go see movies together and go to Dairy Queen and talk past closing time. Lauren and I were hanging out one time when she came right out and said that both her and Andrew's sister thought Andrew and I should date. She also told me that both his parents and his sister had also told him that too. I kind of freaked out about it but I knew they were trying to help. During VBS that year another friend of mine, Jaclyn, also started to play matchmaker and asked him if he wanted to go see a movie with us. I thought for sure he was going to say no, because it was The Proposal, which is a chick flick and he would be going with three girls, but he surprised me by agreeing to it. Camp came around and while we weren't in the same group together we always found ways to run into each other. Things got interesting when I found out that another counselor liked him. She would ask me for information on him and it really worried me alot. I was jealous and when I realized that, I realized that my feelings weren't going away. Instead of coming out with everything, I kind of backed off because I didn't want to get hurt. If he liked her then I didn't want to get involved in some kind of competition for him. Shortly after camp ended I noticed he was upset again and I asked him what was wrong. This conversation changed everything. He told me that he was really confused about alot of stuff and had found out that I liked him and he didn't know what to do about it. He felt the same way as me in that he didn't want to ruin our friendship and make things awkward because we really liked the friendship we had and didn't want to lose that. Everything was out in the open and now all I could do was wait for him to figure everything out. A couple days later he asked me out on a date. I thought it would be weird because we already knew each other so well but it wasn't. We then began going on dates and talking everyday but not making anything official. We wanted to go slow and make sure this was the right decision for us. I actually ended up going to North Carolina for two weeks in the middle of this and was terrified that he would forget about me but he didn't. We talked every night and he even told me that he told the other girl he wasn't interested in her and things were looking really good. When I returned, things started to get more serious and then came the night where he kissed me and asked me to be his girlfriend. It was one of the best nights ever and I will always remember it :0)

Looking back to the past to predict the future

It has been a long time. A really long time. I remember how excited I was when I first started writing this blog and would daily have topics lined up that I wanted to talk about. I am not sure what happened and why I stopped writing but I am determined to get back into being a regular blogger. I really do feel like it is something I need to do for me to be able to express myself truly without fear of judgement or confrontation.

I wanted to take a minute here in this entry to touch upon some of the ways my life has differed since two years ago when I started this blog. It is really hard to believe actually how majorly things have changed. Some things have stayed the same. I will start with that since I like to make lists, so just humor me here. Things that are the same: 1) I have the same job as I did. Through it's constant ups and downs and drama and daily challenges I have managed to stay with it. (2) I still hang out with the same people. It is still a frustration sometimes that I haven't really found a clear cut group of people who I can call up randomly and go hang out with but I really do appreciate the individuals who have stuck by me through all my drama and I know I can call and vent to, or just say "I need to go out and do something, can we hang out?" I really do appreciate you and I hope nobody feels undervalued at all when I say I am experiencing frustrations sometimes. Two of my closest friends from college don't live close to me so that is hard. In fact, just recently my best friend moved to Texas which is even further than she was away from me so it's not as if I can just randomly call them and ask them to come over and watch a chick flick with me whenever I want to. (3) The majority of my interests are still the same. I still love country music and baseball and chick flicks and am still a hopeless romantic. The basic core of who I am, which includes my hobbies and interests have not changed. I still ramble on and on and am a "babbling brook" at times. That has not changed.

Now for the differences. Honestly there is really one that comes to mind. When I started this blog I was single. Now, I am engaged. Talk about a major difference! Although, as I stated above, I am still the same person I feel that my perspective on a few things have changed now that I am about to be married and the things that once seemed so important are not as important anymore and things that I never thought I would be thinking about I am now putting importance on. I would love to share my story with you about how I met my fiance and how we got engaged and all that but I think I will save that for a future entry.

What I do want to talk about right now is something that I thought about when rereading alot of my old entries. There were two that specifically come to mind. The first one was when I posted song lyrics to a song called "Soulmate". If you wish, you can go back and reread those lyrics but I am not going to post them again here. This song actually holds alot of meaning for me. While I didn't tell many people this at the time, this song became a favorite of mine because it reminded me completely of Andrew. The whole part about knowing this person already but not fully realizing that he was the one and in the midst of the search for the one you realize it was him all along is mainly what I am referring to. For those who already know our story, this will make sense to you. If you don't, I hope it will be clarified when I do write that entry. Another reason why this song has so much meaning to me is because around the same time I posted this song to my blog I also posted it on my facebook. I then received a comment from one of my friends simply stating: I think I know who your soulmate is. It intrigued me even though I had a sneaking suspicion who she was referring to. I come to find out that, in fact, she was talking about Andrew. Posting these lyrics seemed somewhat random but what they turned out to be was a huge realization for me and a turning point in our relationship. The second thing was an entry in which I posted a list that I had made of qualities that I was looking for in a guy. I copied and pasted the list below to refresh some memories or perhaps to read for the first time:

1. He must be a Christian. This is the most important one for me. This means that he is a Christian in practice not in theory. I need to be with someone who shares the same views as me and then we can grow in our faith together.
2. Sense of humor. While this one seems generic, it is also something that I find extremely important. I grew up in a family that is always laughing, making corny jokes and teasing each other. I don't want to lose that.
3. Family man. There is more to this one but what I mean is that family should be important to him. It is extremely important that he likes my family and they like him. I have two older brothers and a mom & dad that he needs to impress and it is important that they all like him and give their blessing. Also, I would really like to have a good relationship with his family as well.
4. Nurturer. As a youngest child, I am used to having people take care of me. While I am able to take care of myself something that is really attractive to me is when a guy wants to take care of me and protect me. Without going into a whole different explanation, the whole birth order thing is interesting to me and I think me being with an oldest child is probably the best because they are usually used to nurturing their younger siblings.
5. He has to really "get" me. This is not a specific personality trait but is extremely important to me. I am really complicated and hard to get to know and so the guy I end up with has to take the time to really peel back all the layers and stick around long enough to figure me out.

I'll admit I had to laugh a little bit when I reread this. At the time I didn't want to admit this, even to myself, but that list was about Andrew. At the time I created this list, I was just starting to realize my feelings for him. I wasn't making it known to people and I was still trying to fight it but deep down I was beginning to see it. I sat down and made this list and looked back and realized that Andrew had all five of those things. While I didn't make the list to fit his personality, because those five things are truly important to me, I had him in the back of my mind while writing it. It seems almost obvious now but maybe it wasn't so much back then.

Ok so this entry is super long so I am going to close it. Hopefully I didn't just ramble on and on without a point and hopefully those reading this see that my point is to simply point out that while it has been a long time since I have written in this blog and one major thing has changed.. that I was kind of on the verge of this big change when I began writing. If I had continued to be a regular writer perhaps the changes wouldn't be so significant, but alas they are.

Evolving and trying to find my place

I have been trying to formulate my thoughts for weeks now, because I knew I wanted to write about this in a blog but I could never really figure out how to articulate exactly what I wanted to say. I still don't know if I know, but I am going to try.

The reason I know that I am meant to write about this is because I have had several conversations about this particular topic with several different people and it was never planned it just kind of came up while we were talking about something completely different.

Being a twenty something woman with whom the majority of my friends are younger than me, I can't help but reflect back on things that happened in high school and college and how much I have changed since then. I find myself getting really frustrated with the children I see on a daily basis (I work with children from preschool through fifth grade) because they have no respect for others and are constantly wanting more and more selfishly. I just feel like I was never like that when I was younger, but realistically I am sure I was, I just didn't see it through the same eyes as I am seeing it now- from someone who is older and has learned about the right attitude to have. So while it is easy to get frustrated with these children, it is just a part of their growing up process and if I were to catch up with them years from now, they would probably be different (hopefully) and would share the same views as I am having right now.

This got me thinking about how I was in high school and then in college and while up until recently I would have said in a heartbeat that I have not changed much at all, but that is not true. I have gone through a transformation of sorts and am now seeing it through a different set of eyes much like I am seeing how I was when I was in elementary school through the eyes of the children I work with. High school pretty much sucked. I didn't really think so at the time, but looking back on it, I was pretty much miserable because I was trying so hard to desperately fit in and in my case, that required going against alot of the things I believed in. While the "popular" kids were rebelling and going out and drinking, smoking and doing other stuff that I was not comfortable with I found myself in a bit of a dilemma. If any of you know me, you are probably finding it hard to picture me doing any of these things and I take that as a compliment. In the end, I decided that I needed to be true to myself and true to things I believed in and in turn, I was not popular. I lost alot of friends and even among those select few that I was close to I had the reputation of being "closeminded, conservative, old fashioned, goody goody" and you get the idea. I didn't really think I was but compared to everyone else I guess I must have been. I was desperately trying to find people who were the same as me, and even though I thought I found them in high school, once I got to college those same people rebelled then instead of doing it in high school. I remember one of my friends losing her virginity and not wanting me to know about it because she was afraid of how I was going to react and that I would judge her and I remember that was kind of a wake up call for me. Is this really what I wanted to be known for? I can now pinpoint this as one of the key moments for me to "rebel" in my own way.

I went to a Christian, private college when the rest of my friends went to a secular, public college known for being a party school and so it was natural that we were going to grow apart. It didn't happen at first though. When I say that I rebelled I don't mean it in the way that I went out and started doing all this stuff and getting into trouble because I never did any of that. I just meant that I was a little bit turned off from some of the people I went to school with because they were a little bit extreme and I started to see how my friends viewed me. I started looking at these classmates as being extremely closeminded and judgemental just like my high school friends had seen me. I all of a sudden felt as though I was the openminded one of the group and that was a bit of a surprise. I think in a way, in high school when I was surrounded by people who were more openminded I equated that with being rebellious and getting into trouble and now that I was in college I saw that wasn't necessarily true and that the other extreme was not what I wanted either. I kind of prided myself on being somewhere in the middle and the friends I met there matched me so perfectly. Two of my best friends are people I met in college and while we are different people, they understand me and they understand what it meant to be somewhere in the middle and to sometimes play devils advocate and to love people without judging them. I finally felt as though I fit in and this is one of the main reasons why I miss college so much. I loved everything about it. I loved my school because it gave me the chance to really live out my faith. I was used to being a minority in high school and here I was in the majority and that felt awesome. I was not looked at as "weird or closeminded". I felt protected from the real world and that suited me perfectly for the time being. Then I graduated.

While college was four years worth of bliss where I could truly be myself without any fear I was brought back into the "real world" and forced to in a way start over. I went back to my church where I am honestly the only person that is in my age bracket, or if they are, they are married and/or have children and I can't really relate to them as much. I went back to feeling like a minority and I found myself changing again. I reunited with some of my high school friends and in my quest to show them I had changed and that I was not the same uptight, judgemental person that I was in high school I went to bars with them, and even had a drink or two but never to the point where I was drunk or out of control. Essentially I was still the same person but I was trying to fit in and did things that I didn't really like in order to prove something to them. And somehow, in that process I found myself reverting back to that ultra conservative persona. While I still believe that we need to love people without judging them I am not about to condone a lifestyle that goes against what I believe in. I will continue to be a friend and love the person just not the behavior.

I guess what I am trying to say is that while college was amazing it was kind of a fantasy. I needed those four years to figure out who I was and I really do feel like I have, but it's not exactly realistic to think that I can live in that "safe haven" forever. I then had to let go of those high school friends because our interests and priorites were too different. I really feel like they didn't understand me and they didn't really try. They wanted me to be like them and I'm not. Instead of trying to understand me and what I believe and what my priorities are they just refused to see it and tried to make me into something I am not. I couldn't do that to myself anymore and I have not really spoken to the majority of them in a long time. This leaves me with another dilemma similar to the one I had in high school. I am trying desperately to find what I had in college- people who understand me and accept me for who I am but who also have the same priorities and religious views as I do and I am struggling with that. I have alot of amazing friends who I hang out with alot, but they are all in either high school or college and just don't quite get where I am at in life right now as much as they try and they really shouldn't have to because I don't think I could understand it when I was at that age either.

I have finally found myself and I am not about to change who I am for anybody but sometimes I wish that I could be like other people and just not worry about the consequences of their actions, but I have learned to accept that it's just not me. I have changed since leaving college and even though I don't think I am reverting back to who I was in high school because in high school I wasn't sure who I was and now I am, but my interests have changed. For example, two things that are hugely essential to the person I am now are baseball and country music. Those are two of my biggest interests which I did not have in high school or college it came about after and I can't imagine me being me without either of those things. So, while some of my interests have changed, my basic, essential views on controversial subjects have not.

I guess what my point is, that we as individuals change alot when growing up and even when we do feel as though we have found ourselves, we are still constantly evolving and growing and some views might be changed, but I think it's important to not let other people dictate the people we are. If we feel strongly about something we can't let other people change our minds for us and we can't feel guilty about it when we don't agree with someone. On the other hand, I don't think we can really try to change other people's views as well.. that is something they have to do on their own. We just have to be understanding and love them regardless.

Soulmate

I decided for this entry to post song lyrics. I know some people don't like that, but I find that songs tell everyone how I am feeling better than I can. That is one of the reasons why I love music so much.

This one describes exactly how I feel about still being single. Seeing everyone around me in relationships and starting families and I feel left behind. I am so confused about who I am supposed to end up with, if I already know him or if it's someone I haven't met yet. Anyway, here is the song for your enjoyment:

Soulmate by Natasha Bedingfield

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'Cause someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do, you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Lovable is already in my life?
Right in front of me or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold?
Who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone?

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit?
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold?
Who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own?
If there's a soulmate for everyone?

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent ones

Who doesn't long for someone to hold?
Who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own?
If there's a soulmate for everyone?

Three Goals

Boy have I missed writing in here. I can't believe I waited so long to write another entry. Jeez it's been like three weeks. I kept coming up with ideas to write about, but then not being able to sit down and actually articulate what I wanted to convey.

I have several topics lined up so hopefully this will once again be an almost daily kind of thing and not once every couple weeks. I have let a lot of things slip on the wayside lately and am really trying to get out of that. In fact, this is what I want to write about today.

I want to devote this entry to goals I have that I have been putting off for a long time. I have been feeling very inspired lately, it is probably because of the beautiful weather, and I am starting to get a lot busier at work since the end of the school year is approaching that I quickly found myself getting overwhelmed. One thing that I know about myself is that the busier I get, the more productive I get. I remember in college one semester I had 18 credits and at first I had no idea how I was going to survive, but I quickly learned that I got everything done on time and in fact, got the best grades ever that semester. If I don't have a whole lot to do, I slack alot more. It's like I know that I have to get so much stuff done, so I make sure it gets done.

Anyway, before I go off on that anymore than necessary I just want to write down some things that I really want to try to accomplish in the near future. I feel that by writing it down it will somehow help me accomplish them.

#1) I need to do devotions more. Since I am not in any bible studies where it forces me to get into the Bible and reflect on what God has in store for me and just really spending time with Him, I have to make time in my day to do this. I have not been doing this very often lately and I feel like it is the most important thing for me to do. It is more important than work, and my social life and everything else that I keep putting in front of it. It is just so vital in my relationship with God and also with others. I feel like I have no direction and I have no idea where I am going professionally and I have nobody to hang out with that is my age that share my same values and beliefs- and instead of trying to figure out something to do about it, I just wallow in self-pity and try to figure it out on my own. BIG MISTAKE!! God is showing me this lately that I need to spend time with Him daily to figure all this stuff out. By thinking about it for a few minutes and then going on facebook or turning on the television that is not really going to get anything accomplished.

I want to make a realistic goal of doing this. I have made the mistake of saying that I was going to do it everyday and then quickly learning that it wasn't going to happen. Eventually, I would like to get there, yes, but for now I will say at least twice or three times a week. Last night I wrote myself out a daily schedule and made sure to block out twenty minutes or so to spending time with God- whether it be listening to Christian music and not doing anything else, reading the bible, reading other Christian study books, and praying. Any of the above is incorporated in this twenty minutes and I have found that mixing it up is a good idea.

#2) Lose Weight. I know everybody probably feels this way, but for me it's more of eating healthier and excercizing more. I am an incredibly picky eater so it's very hard for me to keep any kind of diet or anything. My mom joined Jenny Craig and is doing really well. I don't think I want to try that at this point but just make a more conscious effort to cut down on things that I consume too much. Two big things for me are pop and fries. I gave up fries for lent and now I need to just cut down in them in general. Not completely give them up but just set some kind of limits on it so that I am not getting them at every meal. With pop, it has become almost impossible to give it up completely because I have gotten pretty addicted to it.. but I have stopped buying it and only limited myself to eat it at restaurants. Even then, since I do tend to eat out alot, I am limiting it to a few times a week and hope to keep increasing it more and more. With both of my parents eating healthy and just watching what they eat it should be pretty easy for me to keep in step with them. I do the grocery shopping and I will make sure that I get more fruit and avoid all the bad things that I am tempted to buy.

Along with that, I really need to exercize on a daily basis. I started this at the beginning of the school year- I was going on the treadmill every day but then I ended up getting a muscle strain and going to the doctor. Ever since then I stopped because I didn't want to irritate it even further and completely got out of the habit. If I can start slow and do it ten minutes at a slow pace and work myself up to doing like a half hour or something that would be great. By doing that and also eating healthier I should be in pretty good shape. In turn, I will have more energy during the day and not be so sluggish all the time. My goal is to get rid of my belly and shed some pounds before I go on my vacations this summer. There is nothing worse than wearing bathing suits and summer clothes and having this belly protruding out. I am by no means saying that I am fat, but I do have to lose some of the belly.

#3) Blog on a more regular basis. Maybe not everyday but at least a few times a week. This helps me emotionally. Being a writer, writing is the best way I know to express myself. When I try to talk to people lots of times things come out wrong and I am constantly worried about how the other person took it. When I am angry or frustrated or confused it helps to write it out and figure out exactly how I feel and how I want to deal with it. It is extremely therapeutic even if I am just writing a carefree entry about why I like Country music.. lol :0) I tend to keep things inside and bottle them up only to completely explode all over some unsuspecting person who doesn't deserve all of that to be put on their shoulders. This way I can control some of that happening by sorting out my feelings beforehand.

Those are the three main things I really feel the need to do more of. Taking care of myself spiritually, physically and emotionally are the three most important things for me right now and I have been pushing it aside for frivolous things and it needs to stop. I really hope I can stick with this new plan and I will continue to make a daily schedule and follow it because that helps me.

Country music rocks ya'll!!

So, one of my favorite things in the world is country music. That is why I have decided to devote this entry to it. I hope that if you are a country music fan, you like what I have to say.. and if you aren't that you will have at least gained a new appreciation for it.

Last night, while watching the Academy of Country Music Awards I was so giddy and so happy the whole time. This made me think about all the reasons why I love country music so much. Before I get into that I want to kind of tell you about my "relationship", for lack of a better word, with country music. Growing up, I hated it. My dad listened to it all the time and I would groan and moan when I was in the car with him and was forced to listen to Tim McGraw, Garth Brooks, Vince Gill, George Strait, Alan Jackson and the list goes on and on. I was like alot of people who just thought that country music was all about getting drunk and cheating on a spouse. I am not sure specifically when my opinion started to change but it was probably, like most things, in college. It started out slowly, like I think it happens to alot of people. I started seeing the value in it, but told people I couldn't handle it for long periods of time. I got introduced to Jo Dee Messina, who was a favorite of my dad's and started really liking her. Then slowly, I started getting into other artists and I still can't pinpoint exactly who I started liking first, besides Jo Dee, but then it was kind of like "boom" I was a fan of country music. I firmly believe that you either love country music or you hate country music. I don't feel like there is really an inbetween. I have some friends who would probably say they are inbetween- they don't love it but they don't hate it and I usually tell them that they can't really say that until they listen to more country music.. then their feelings become obvious. Country music just kind of sneaks up on you, grows on you and then before you really even realize it, you are hooked. At least, that is what happened to me.

Now, here are the reasons why I love country music.
1) It's real. This is probably the biggest reason why I am hooked. Country musicians are not afraid to be who they are, to say what they want to say, and they are proud of who they are and where they have come from. They celebrate their roots simply in the style of music they choose to play. Also, to go along with that it's simple. Alot of the music nowadays gets clouded up by cheoreographed dance moves, and alot of high tech devices taking away from the simple music. Most of country music involves the singer and his or her guitar. Sure, there might be a band and when he or she performs there might be alot of different high tech stunts that add to the performance but when you strip everything down.. it is just the musician and his or her guitar. They let the music speak for itself. There are some common misconceptions that I mentioned before about how it is all about getting drunk and cheating on a spouse or significant other. While there are lots of songs out there about that, that is true of any musical genre. I can understand how people might think that, especially the ones that don't really listen to alot of country music. They might be flipping through the channels on the radio and come across the country station and hear one of those songs and make the easy assumption that country music is simply that. As someone who has listened to country and little else, I can say that there is SO much more to country music than that stereotypical viewpoint. In fact, this brings me to the next point on my list of reasons why I love country music.
2) It conveys a wide range of topics. Yes, as I stated before, there are some of the honky tonk let's go to a bar and have some drinks with the guys or the girls kind of songs but there are several other things that make it both real and relatable that it covers. The first one is faith. I chose this as the most important one because it is the most important to me. Country music is not afraid to talk about God and to talk about their faith. In fact, Jeff Foxworthy said it best when hosting one of the country music award shows. He said,
"Country music doesn't have to be politically correct. We sing about God because we believe in Him. We're not trying to offend anybody but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion of whether or not He exists."
I remember instantly going on the internet to get that word for word because I thought it was awesome and it completely epitomizes what country music is about. If you listen to alot of it, you can see that faith is a very common theme, even if it's not right in your face. Brad Paisley has a hit called "When we all get to Heaven"

"Sing the wondrous love of Jesus
Sing His mercy and grace
In the mansions bright and blessed
He'll prepare for us a place
When we all get to Heaven
What a day of rejoicing that will be
When we all see Jesus
We sing and shout the victory"

Speaking of Brad Paisley, he is probably the perfect example of a country artist who has a wide range of topics depicted in his songs. You will probably see his name mentioned in every single category.
Also, country music covers deep and serious issues that everyone can relate to on some level. For example, Rascal Flatts has a song called Skin (Sarabeth) where it talks about a high school girl who is dealing with cancer. I cry every single time I hear the song because it is so real and so close to home. I would put the lyrics on here, but I would have to put the whole song because it gives the full effect and is so amazing but this entry is long enough already. Basically though, this girl finds out she has cancer, and she doesn't know how to react because she is only in high school and then she loses her hair and she is feeling insecure about going to her prom without any hair.. then her date shows up with a shaved head so that she doesn't feel bad. I get chills just typing it out. You can't get any more real than that. Several other artists tackle tough subjects as well. Martina McBride is known for writing numerous songs about being abused both domestically as well as child abuse. Keith Urban has a song called "You're Not My God" about his former cocaine addiction. The point is here, that you can relate to it, whoever you are on some level.
There are also many heartfelt songs that just talk about specific times and events that happen in your life. Tim McGraw's "My Little Girl" is all about being a dad and having to let go of his daughter when she gets married. "Stealing Cinderella" by Chuck Wicks is told from the opposite viewpoint as Tim McGraw's.. he is the groom that is essentially "stealing" a daughter from her dad. Brad Paisely deals with death in "When I get where I'm going", Rascall Flatts talk about letting go of someone whether it be for graduation or someone moving in "My Wish". I could go on and on but I think you get my drift.
As a self proclaimed hopeless romantic and lover of chick flicks, I love a good mushy love song and country music has their share of those as well. Keith Urban is my favorite because he knows how to write a good love song. "Making Memories of Us" is talking about how he wants to have a lifetime of memories with someone and his promises to do his best by her. It is adorable and he even sang that song to Nicole Kidman at their wedding. Most of his cd's since marrying her have been a myriad of love songs and you melt just listening to them. "She's Everything" by Brad Paisley is definitely a favorite because it is sweet and also depicts a real relationship by singing about the woman's quirks and things that may not be so glamourous and still saying that it doesn't matter.. she's everything to me. Who can forget about "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts which is all about everything happening for a reason and ending up with someone who you are meant to be with despite the hardships along the way. I can't do an entry about love songs and not mention "It's Your Love" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill- the ultimate country couple. It is self explanatory and just plain mushy.
Then there are the fun, humorous songs that poke fun at different aspects of pop culture and even themselves. I feel Brad Paisely is the master of this. There are way too many songs to name here by him that do exactly that but one of my favorites by him is "Online"-
"I work down at the Pizza Pit
And I drive an old Hyundai
I still live with my mom and dad
I'm five foot three and overweight
I'm a sci-fi fanatic mild asthmatic
Never been to second base
But there's a whole 'nother me
That you need to see
Go check out MySpace
'Cause online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm six foot five and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black belt in karate
And I love a good glass of wine
It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious
'Cause even on a slow day I can have a three-way chat
With two women at one time
I'm so much cooler online"...

3) Country musicians are good role models. Let's face it, in this day and age good role models are hard to come by. Not saying that they are perfect, and there are always going to be exceptions butyou rarely hear about country musicians in the tabloids. They seem to keep pretty private lives and even when they do get in the news for something bad they handle it with grace. For example, Keith Urban went to rehab a couple years ago and he was very candid and open about his problems and he got the help he needed. He emerged from it a much stronger person because he didn't make excuses and he didn't try to hide the truth. He admitted he had a problem and he got the help he needed. Also, marriages seem to stick with country musicians. Again, there are a few exceptions but for the most part you don't hear any scandalous rumors and they stick together through the good and bad. Nicole Kidman stuck by Keith Urban when he had his issues and it made them stronger. They show us what marriage is really about- that when you get married you are committed to that person no matter what might come along. You are still committed to them even when things are bad. It is pretty refreshing when all you hear about is the divorce rate increasing and couples not staying together. I guess to kind of also go along with my first point of them being real.. is that they come off as people who are very confident in who they are and they don't try to be someone that they are not. This, as well as everything else I have said, is what makes them good role models.


Those are only three of the many reasons why I love country music but those are the ones that are the most important to me. Those three I think completely encompass country music and the culture around it. This entry is very long and for that I apologize but it was really important to me to talk about why country music is such a huge part of my life.